


Scrabble

by ca_te



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-05
Updated: 2010-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 12:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written on 27th May 2009. Thanks to kispexi2 for the beta.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Scrabble

**Author's Note:**

> Written on 27th May 2009. Thanks to kispexi2 for the beta.

"And I call your name, my cocaine".

[ "Narcotic", Liquido]

There were days that Mello circled on the calendar.

He used to circle them in red. He used the same pen for many years. Till it stopped working.

Those days were few. And when they arrived Mello was always awake till dawn, sitting on his bed, his heart beating as fast as an excited little bird's.

He couldn't hug him in the halls. He just waited for his bony, white hands to caress his hair. It was just for few seconds, then there were caresses for the others too, for Near.

He spilled blood over his tests and books and homework just to be there, at that second place, to have the right to feel L's hand over his blond hair, leaving traces that nothing would be able to wash away.

 

As they grew up L's visits became fewer. Still Mello used to dream about him and after those dreams he used to wake up and remain in bed, looking at the ceiling, his cheeks flushed, his eyes full of that white skin he had never touched. After some time he began to climb into Matt's bed. He liked his smell, the mix of cigarettes and lollipops. Matt was always there to hold him. At first Mello refused to be touched; he just laid there, under the sheets, feeling Matt's body heat. Usually they overslept and were late for classes. Mello always yelled at Matt while getting dressed and Matt always remained sitting on the bed, in one of his too large striped t-shirts, the first cigarette of the day dangling from his lips.

Then Mello began to touch Matt and to let Matt touch him. At that time L used to come back to Whammy's only three or four times a year. They were fourteen. The first time they made love Mello had to bite hard on his lower lip to stop from calling L's name as he came. He couldn't look at Matt's face that night. Matt's gentle hand caressing his back made his skin burn.

That night Matt watched Mello's little back and he thought that if a god existed he had to thank him for having Mello by his side. Matt knew he had no real chance from the beginning but still he remained there, caressing Mello's white skin.

 

It was winter. It was a grey Sunday morning and Mello was studying while Matt was playing one of his games. The sound of wheels scratching over the asphalt filled the room. Mello jumped from his chair and Matt bit is lower lip. After all things were meant to be like that.

Mello ate five dark chocolate bars and a half that day, after he felt L's hand over his head, counting out hour after hour while L was stayed shut in his office. He didn't want to go back to his and Matt's room. It was dinner time, and he was waiting, wandering along the halls. He ended up in front of his door. Then it was almost midnight, and Mello was chewing his nails, standing, there, his feet bare on the carpet.

He lifted his head as he heard the door being opened. L's white shirt seemed to shine in the half-light. His feet were bare too.

\- Good night, Mello.

Mello kept his eyes glued to L's feet.

-You have grown up. Quite impressively.

Mello lifted his gaze. L's eyes were even more black than usual. They were like black pearls.

Mello swallowed.

\- It was time you noticed it.

The shadow of a smile crossed L's face.

\- You are always the same, Mello.

The boy balled his hands into fists, thinking about all the times he had waited, all the times he had dreamt, all the time he had moaned L's name into his head with Matt's sweet breath on his cheek.

\- Do you really think you know me, L?

\- What makes you say that, Mello?

Mello had always been a inflammable child, as well as being a chocoholic.

He knew he shouldn't, after all it was L whom he was talking to, still, before noticing it, he was hitting L's chest. He could feel tears threatening to fall, he bit his lower lip hard, he didn't want to cry.

\- What the hell are you saying! You are never here! You keep abandoning me!

L remained still, Mello's punches resonating inside his ribcage. Then he lifted his thin arms and encircled him.

Mello felt L's arms and he found his face pressed to L's chest. He breathed his smell, so different from Matt's. L's smell was sweet, yes, but there was something lurking under it, something more strong and bitter.

Mello clung to L's white shirt. L's voice came softly.

\- Do you want to stay here tonight, Mello?

Mello felt a snaky shiver along his spine. He nodded, his face hidden against L's chest.

The elder genius caressed his blond hair. Slowly.

\- You know, Mello?

\- What?

\- I still care for you, even when I'm not here.

Mello's heart skipped a beat.

He lifted his head. L was looking straight ahead of him, his long, pale neck exposed.

Mello kissed his skin, just over the hem of the shirt. L's skin was fresh.

Mello felt L's muscles tense up, his bony fingers tangle a bit more in his hair.

\- Would Mello be angry if I kiss him?

Mello smiled. Not one of those cracked grins, a smile.

\- Mello would be pleased, L.

Mello understood L had never kissed anyone before. Matt's soft lips flashed into his mind.

But in the end…in the end Mello already knew he was just a weak sinner, a little bird left alone in the strong wind for too long, no longer able to tell from whom he wanted shelter and affection.

L's bed was not as big as he expected. L was much more innocent than he expected. L's hand were hotter than he expected, drawing lines over his pale skin. L just kept caressing and kissing him, nothing more. Mello was too proud to ask for more. But it had been nice to fall asleep under those soft sheets, L's face hidden in his hair, L's heat all around him.

The morning after he woke up and L wasn't there.

Mello walked sleepily to his room, plopped down on Matt's bed and just hugged him, in silence. Matt swallowed, his heart already beating faster. He didn't ask anything, he already knew.

Mello fought back his tears.

\- Y-you are my shelter, Matty.

Matt thought it was alright like that. He kissed Mello's lips gently.

 

Years passed, Mello decided to leave Whammy's and Matt went with him. It was so natural for them to live together. They didn't ask each other unnecessary questions. They were together with chocolate and cigarettes. They lived in a little apartment, more like a hole than everything else. It was little, and dark, with papers and paper bags all around. There was their smell lingering over everything. Very soon Mello began to think of that place and of Matt as home.

Matt had begun to think of Mello as home when he was only five years old and met the blond one rainy afternoon in November.

They continued to share a bed, as they had done during the last year they spent at Whammy's.

Mello tried his best to remove L's kiss, to lock it up somewhere, too far away to reach.

He tried to focus on Matt. He almost cried the first time the word that formed in his head while Matt was deep inside of him and he was close to coming was "Matt". So simple, so beautiful.

 

But life is like Scrabble. There's a word, then there are new letters and the initial word disappears among others. It's cracked and scattered in different words with different meanings.

 

Mello looks at himself in the mirror. He sighs as he sees the bite mark Matt has left on his neck. Matt, in bed, is like a child playing. Mello shivers remembering the pleasure.

\- Hey princess, want some coffee?

Mello wonders how Matt's voice can be so alive so early in the morning.

Matt's voice is fresh over Mello's scars. Of course he can't admit it so easily.

\- Stop calling me princess, you jerk! And bring me some chocolate.

He smiles hearing Matt chuckling.

\- Alright princess.

Mello ties his hair back and washes his face, as the sound of mugs being put on the table comes from the kitchen.

He almost jumps as he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He flips it open and watches the "hidden number" on the screen.

He presses his free hand against the cold porcelain of the sink.

There is blood rushing into his ears. He tries to hear the noises Matt's making but he can't.

He swallows and presses the green button.

\- Am I speaking to Mello?

Memories fall on Mello. L's dry lips over his own, L's fingers over his cheeks, the desire for more he felt that time.

He presses his hand harder against the porcelain, his knuckles white.

\- Yes.

He hears Matt whistling a song from the new videogame he bought.

\- What do you want?

\- Can I meet Mello?

Mello closes his eyes.

\- What the hell! Why do I have to see you?!

\- Why is Mello so angry?

Mello tries with all his strength not to yell. He doesn't want Matt to hear.

\- And you pretend to be a fucking genius!

\- I…

\- It has been years! Fucking years! How, how the hell do you dare…

Mello doesn't know what else to say. His heart is beating to fast, and he doesn't want to admit that just hearing his voice is shaking his insides.

\- I know it has been years. Still what I said to Mello that night continues to be the truth.

And Mello curses himself because he can feel a tear rolling down his left cheek.

\- Look…

\- Mello.

Mello gulps, L's voice soft and warm in his ear.

\- Mello, I want to see you.

Mello feels something turning upside down inside of him. And he knows he has lost, again.

\- I…

He grits his teeth.

\- I want to see you too.

Matt knocks at the door.

Mello's eyes widen.

\- Breakfast is ready, princess.

L chuckles inside the phone.

\- I'll send you a text with the name of the hotel I'm staying at, princess.

The phone is now mute. Mello looks at himself in the mirror. He wants to punch the face he sees.

\- Mello are you alright?

\- I'm coming.

Breakfast is silent. Mello looks at the chocolate bar, Matt keeps his eyes on the cereal, sinking in the milk.

Mello bites his lower lip. He almost falls out of the chair as he feels Matt's fingers brushing lightly over his cheek.

Mello lifts his head and meets green eyes.

\- Matt.

Matt just leans over the table and leaves a kiss on his forehead. When he speaks his lips mostly brush against Mello's skin.

\- You have always been free. Don't think I'm so stupid. I've weighted the consequences.

Mello feels something incredibly heavy on his chest, in his stomach. He feels like a little bird lost in the wind once again.

\- Well see you tomorrow.

Mello watches Matt hopping down the chair, taking his cigarette box and the car keys. He remains silent. When he hears the engine starting he crashes his fists over the table, the mug full of milk and cereals falls to the floor.

 

The air is fresh. Mello thinks autumn is a nasty season. All that red and brown, all those trees becoming naked. As he walks he thinks about the first time he was naked in front of Matt. He feels sick. Still he continues walking, something growing bigger and bigger inside of him, almost stirring.

The hotel is not as big as he imagined. The elevator is huge, yet Mello feels like suffocating. He passes a hand through his hair, it falls over his eyes. He tries to remember L's scent, L's fingers, but they are like Scrabble letters without a word to fit them in. Memories seem so poor and fake now.

The doors open with a ding. Mello walks along the corridor and stops in front of a door. His feet are not bare this time. He won't wait this time. He knocks.

The moment he sees L's shirt again, his feet still bare, his freaking grey eyes, Mello understands he isn't ready. He isn't ready for this pain he feels everywhere. The desire and the rage and that feeling he tried so hard to repress, that need to be loved by him.

L has not changed at all. And Mello thinks that maybe he hasn't changed either. The thought scares the hell out of him.

\- I'm glad you came, Mello.

Mello shivers at the warm sensation that hearing his name spoken by L gives him.

And something inside of him breaks. He just presses his lips over L's. Without saying anything. Without thinking anything. He pushes his tongue in the other's mouth and L's tongue joins his. Mello realizes L has kissed someone else during the time they didn't see each other. He wants to bite down hard but instead a traitor moan escapes as L strokes his tongue slowly. He moans again as L slides his thin fingers under his shirt. They are he remembers them, light and still demanding. L's fingertips are warm.

He takes a step and closes the door, still kissing him, still wanting more, like that child that night.

The sound of L's back hitting the mattress is soft, like an apple falling onto a cushion.

Mello breaks the kiss and watches L's flushed face. He knows they won't stop this time. Still he is afraid.

\- Don't fool with me this time.

L smiles, still a shadow of a smile, and brigs his hand behind Mello's neck pulling him closer.

\- I won't.

As L kisses him everything loses its axes and spins around. Mello wants to touch L, wants L to touch him.

Mello knows he will regret it, still…having L's body beneath him, having him so close…

He leans more over L, their chests are touching. He takes in a breath as their erections rub against each other.

He shivers as L's fingers slide through his hair.

Mello licks L's ear slowly, feeling his blood running faster in his veins as L's body tenses, his hips bucking up.

Mello's voice is deep as he speaks.

\- I don't want to wait any more.

L blinks.

\- Wha…

\- Don't make me say it twice.

Mello feels something flying and popping and falling inside of him as L pushes him and makes him roll over the mattress.

Mello looks at L, who's now over him, his hands at each side of Mello's head.

\- I…

Mello presses a finger to his lips. L grins and licks it. His tongue is incredibly precise.

Mello is so hard now that he can't think straight any more.

\- For God's sake L!

L blinks, then Mello feels his bony fingers over his skin as L pulls down his leather trousers with no effort.

\- Don't you need to be stretched before?

Mello bites his lower lip.

\- No, I don't! Just…do it!

-As Mello wishes.

Mello's head is spinning like crazy now. He almost moans feeling the tip of L's dick at his entrance. L is licking his neck slowly.

Mello grabs a bunch of black hair and pulls.

\- I want to see your face.

L smiles.

The moment he enters him Mello holds his breath, 'cause seeing the pleasure over L's features, the pleasure changing his face which has always been so collected is too much,

For a moment all that matters are L's parted lips, his eyes half lidded. For a moment it doesn't matter that L has already done it with some one else.

L's skin is fresh as it slides over his own. Mello feels like his own cells are imploding.

Time seems to stop as he lets L's name roll over his tongue as he comes. He screams it, as if he could fill the world with it. Everything seems to shrink, Scrabble letters falling down, over the edges, as he plants his nails in L's shoulders, as he feels L's warm semen deep inside of him. And his tongue just forms the same word over and over.

\- L.

L presses his forehead to his. Mello closes his eyes.

 

Mello keeps his eyes glued to L's chest. His skin is pale, it makes the white sheets seem dirty.

He traces the tips of his fingers over the ribs, visible under that thin layer of skin. He feels pain at the thought that someone else has done this. He curses himself for being so childish.

\- It seems we haven't waited for each other.

\- It seems so…princess.

Mello bites his lip, till blood spills over the pillow. L remains silent.

Mello has never seen L sleeping. He thinks he sleeps in a cute way, black hair messed up, his right arm under his head, his pale back against the sheets.

Mello shakes his head, blond hair falling over his eyes and shining a bit in the dim light. He fights the desire to let his fingers slide along L's exposed spine. He closes the door hard enough to be sure that L will wake up.

He thinks that he has never had sex at lunch time before. He walks along the street, the sun too strong over his skin.

He thinks that Matt won't be back till tomorrow.

He doesn't feel like eating chocolate. He wants to smoke. He balls his fists into his tight pockets.

Cars pass by. He sees people eating through the windows of restaurants and diners.

He thinks that in the end LA is the right city for Matt. He thinks that there's no right place for L…that there's no right place for him.

He enters a small diner, inside the light is dim, even if outside the sun is shining terribly. The sofas are dirty, there are fake plants to separate a table from another. Mello orders a coffee. He hates the bitter taste of it, but he wants to feel it. Mello wants to be punched in the face, in the gut, wherever.

 

Because he knows he won't see L again, 'cause he doesn't want this life-lasting desire to defeat him.

Because he knows that somehow he has lost Matt this time. He'll come back tomorrow, of course, 'cause Matt always keeps his promises, but it won't be the same. Mello knows that Matt will be there, allowing him to touch and to kiss, still he knows he won't allow himself to do something like this. Not to Matt.

 

Mello keeps looking at the coffee in the mug, the sun shining like evil outside, and he knows…he knows he has lost this Scrabble game. He knows that he won't pick the right letters any more.


End file.
